Overcome Fear Of Rejection

By Michael Neill

In 1977, an oft-quoted poll was done by the New York Times, which revealed that a larger percentage of respondents feared public speaking more than death.

While this makes a kind of logical sense (more people have experienced public speaking more than death), it has always seemed to me that the most crippling fear many of us face is our fear of rejection. Whether it stops us from making a sales call, asking someone on a date, or pursuing the life of our dreams, our survival-based fear of rejection is activated any time we make (or think about making) a request from anyone — this is because the possibility of being rejected is generally real. The person we are selling to may decide not to buy. The person we are asking out may indeed say, "No," and the road to the life of our dreams may well be paved with rejection.

As actors, my friends and I face rejection on a daily basis. And like anyone else who sells their product or services for a living, if we don't collect enough rejections, we're unlikely to make any money (in fact, an actress friend recently pointed out that if she wasn't getting rejected at least ten times a week, she began to panic about how slow things were!).

A little while back, I came up with a simple trick that works wonders in easing the fear of rejection and allowing us to put our best foot forward when we need to make a request.

You can use it the next time you're feeling nervous before a sales call, job interview, meeting, or even a blind date.

Today's Experiment:

This is ideal to use any time you need to make a request of someone, or when you are going to meet with someone whose approval is important to you. I use the example of a meeting — feel free to substitute phone call/request/interview or whatever your situation is!

1. A few minutes before your meeting, begin to focus on the people in your life who love you. If you are religious you can also focus on God's love for you; the more humanistically inclined can add in the love of a child, a partner, or a pet (if you can't think of anybody or anything who loves or has loved you, there are probably more important things for you to work on in your life than getting better at making sales calls!).

2. Continue to focus on the awareness (and the associated feeling) that you are loved and begin to think about the impending meeting. Notice that you may still want what you want from the other people, but you do not need them to love you. You are already loved.

3. Bring this awareness and feeling with you into your meeting. If at any point during the meeting you begin to feel unduly nervous, you can simply go back to this awareness and feeling of being loved.

Q: Why does this work so well?

A: Imagine you're back in caveman times. Your safety came from your belonging to the tribe. If you got banished from the tribe (i.e. rejected), you were suddenly alone left to fend for yourself. This was generally followed by being eaten by some wild animal or killed by members of another tribe — both excellent reasons to fear rejection!

While it is far less likely nowadays that being rejected will result in our being eaten or killed, the survival instinct is still there. By calming this ancient part of our brain (by flooding it with the feeling of connection and belonging that comes with the awareness of being loved), we are better able to tap into the full resources of our mind. It is almost like sending a message to your brain that says, "Don't worry if this person or tribe does not accept you… You are already safe!"